A Dream Or Contact?

                                             (May 11)

       (A Dream two months after my Father passed away)

                                 My Father - My Self

                        

     He was sitting on a single narrow rectangular plank

     his back against a resemblance of some sort

     of low, open, unsupported wall.

     He was suspended in the air

     surrounded by nothing - supported by nothing.

     He looked ragged, desperate, forlorn, grave, despondent

     He looked at me with deep tear stained despair in his eyes

     and said:

                " I Feel so Lost........ so Lonely.............

           Nothing is the way we were told it is........"

                                     * * * * *

     I woke up with the most gut wrenching feeling

     i have ever experienced throughout my entire life

     and his presence and sense of immense pain

     so strong and palpable as if he were there in the room

     in the house in the air and everywhere...

                                     * * * * *

      For a long time after, i had difficulty accepting anything else

      other than this was a real contact...

      that he had come back to talk to me as he always used to

      and let me know ...

      Yet on a parallel level i could see how this was

      just a mighty powerful dream.

       A clear dream which revealed the state of shock

      and deep pain i was experiencing

      as the world had just crumbled around me

     and the foundation and solid support

     of all that i had been relying upon until then

     was suddenly lost, gone in thin air

     leaving me suspended, ragged, desperate

     and steeped in scorching pain.

     My Father - a Symbol of My own Self - was telling me;

              ''Your World is suddenly shuttered

               Nothing is the way we were told it is!

     All you had ever believed in, is now letting you down.

     The sense of Eternity is lost

     false securities have crumbled like statues in a powerful earthquake

     and all metaphysical theories and ideals

     that were once supporting you along the way

     now stand meaningless in the enormity of your pain...''

                  

There were not enough Sanctuaries for hiding Unrestrained tears...

                       

The Worm

                                                  The Worm

                               

                                                   ( A Dream: when i was 14 years old )
                                             
                                                             *
                                
                               I am holding a glass filled with clear water.

                               Inside it, at the bottom of the glass 
                               there is a light, baby pink, small worm 
                               trying to come up to the surface.

                                     

                                 When it comes up i push it back down
                                 to the bottom of the glass with my index finger
                                 and as i do so it starts to cry like a sulking helpless little baby

                                        "woaaaa!....wooaaaaa!....wooaaaa!..."

                               After a few moments it stops crying and starts trying again
                                                      and again, and again...

                                          The process is repeated several times:

                               It comes up to the surface and i push it down
                               It cries and then it tries again and again...
                               and every time, i keep pushing it back down.

                                                                   .....

         
                              When awake i find the whole thing quite curious...

                               A helpless little worm that cries like a baby
                               urged by a blind impulse to come up to the surface
                               as it tries repeatedly. 

                              There are no feelings of malice, fear or deliberation on my part

                              as i push it down - just an equally blind impulse to do so

                              while from some neutral part of myself
                               I am observing both 'it' and ‘myself’ impassively.
                                                                   .....

                             Time went by and the worm came to the surface
                             and brought with it consciousness, knowledge and pain

                             and wisdom and self-knowledge grew.
                             Knowledge in some instances is not enough to overcome pain
                             so the worm was pushed back down again.

                              I can still hear it sulking from time to time...

                                           

When Reality ceases to be

                     
                 When Reality ceases to be...


                    I am sleeping...

                         

                    Not quite dreaming

                    Just vaguely aware of some brain activity

                    going on in the background

                   I am not aware of waking reality

                   as to who i am or anything connected to existence

                   Then i wake up

                   and i remember the brain activity

                   and connect with waking reality

                   This makes me think:

           Awareness of waking reality only exists when awake...

                   If i never woke up

                   the brain activity would have ceased

                   and so would have the memory of the waking reality

                   Could this be a Peaceful Death?...

Last Night I Died!....

  Last Night I Died!....

*  21 June 2011 *

Dear  Diary: 

Last Night I Died!....

A case of Deja Vu... or rather Groundhog Day!

I was dreaming...

Young and of indeterminate gender

Intensely preoccupied with completing a project

fighting numerous obstacles and impediments

where danger was imminent at every step.

Just like Atreyu in the "Never Ending Story"

I could hear a voice in my dream

telling my story and sequence of actions

while it was unfolding and referring to me, as 'He'...

It was describing how I - (He),  was going on

 trying to overcome many Obstacles

while aware of a Ticking Clock and Time Running out

and how 'he' was almost possessed

and would Not stop - no matter what was thrown at 'him'...

Then suddenly –still asleep but not in the dream-

 i experienced a Lightning SMACK!...BANG! sense 
in the area of the heart

 something like an enormous explosion

that caused total momentary power failure

and all 'Light' went out!

A sense of complete and total loss, 
the word 'Empty' cannot describe

I was only an awareness looking in the pitch black

been aware of itself ...just being ...awareness

while feeling... looking... being...

 in Absolute Total Darkness

and in Absolute Total Nothingness!

It was shocking and scary in a rather different way.

I have been there before but there was Light

and i was sent back despite my will  to stay

 but this time there was Nothing!

Just pitch Black 
and only awareness of the awareness of it!

No memory of Self - Dream - Place - Time

or Anything else whatsoever.

Then i  was Jolted back awake

heart racing like crazy 
and a Tomb stone weight pressing down on my chest

gasping for breath as if i had been held under water

and a Tiger Roar making its liquid way up 

                   
                                                          

a Roar ... of a wrong kind.

I stumbled out of bed and made it to the bathroom

with a trembling unstable body and jellied legs

and felt my nose suddenly runny... 

Red in the dark looks Black ... 
A Lot of black... and More.....

"Third time Lucky!"  It is said ...

So why Am I still Here?...

Every night i go to bed i hope to see one of them

                                                 
                                                     

                                                                      And Depart in Peace

                                                                          

                                                                   For I am a Tired soul.                                                                  
                                                                                 * * * * *