White Wings...

                                          ( Nov 09 )

                        White Wings...

                         

Having had a close brush with death twice in the past two years,

i decided that the best and most worthwhile achievement in my life

from now on would be to Think, Speak and Act like a White Angel

under All circumstances.

Easy decision yet hard to implement such ideal in its core

in that it is Not what i Actually succeed Saying or Doing

on the Surface but how i Truly Think or Feel inside

in those Depths of Self that only I know well enough.

Finding i had failed several times in my initial efforts

people do not make it that easy after all,

i managed to summon the determination for a New start.

A few days later while i was walking along the beach

i heard a Voice inside my head

from the Part of Self that had been Called

to Oversee the Implementation of this ambitious decision

saying:

"How Can i Possibly be a White Angel

when i know very well that i am a rather Dark one..."

I remained thoughtful for a few seconds not knowing

how to address this honest and confronting question

when suddenly the answer surfaced from the depths:

" Keep Bleaching!.. Just Keep Bleaching! "


                     

Games of Deception

                                                                               ( Feb 13 )

                                               Games of Deception


                                               

                           A Truth i can take in its Full Force and Nakedness

                                               and Deal with in Time

                          But if there is something that makes me furious

                                              is Deception of any kind

                          especially under false pretence of sparing my feelings.

                          Shouldn't I be the judge of what i can take or not?

                          My Feelings are My Responsibility

                          I am an Adult not a vulnerable little child

                                            I Need No one’s Pity

                          No one should pre-empt and decide for me

                          I find the Excuse cheap and cowardice

                                as much as the Deception itself...

                         How often this game is played with one another

                                    quite falsely and unnecessarily

                         when the Truth can allow both parties involved

                             to Know Honestly and with Dignity
                                      Exactly Where they Stand ...

                                               

Retreating...

 Retreating ...

                                         

                                    Retreating to the Core of my Being

                                    Away from the Clamour of the World

                                    Restores my Inner Balance 


                                       
                                                           

Conversation with God!?

                                                                 ( Feb 11 ) 

                                              Conversation with God?...

                                                      I am a Believer...

                                        

                                                   In more ways than one.

                                                     How could i not be?

                               I am always reaching beyond personal limitations

                               gathering and incorporating more on the way

                               much like a river gathers joining streams

                               flowing on its way towards the Sea.

                               I often envy those who believe that God speaks to them

                               or they have conversations with Him and are His favourite

                               and think they know Him and His will etc - all straight and set

                              -and surprisingly it is always a "He" and "His" too.

                               The best i can manage myself, even during my holiest

                               most spiritual moments are either stillness or timelessness

                               and in the worst a conversation with the depths

                               of my own mind which i never mistaken as something else.

                               So when it comes to the Creator

                               if there is a Personal one...

                               i prefer to be uncertain and open

                               rather than certain and fixed

                               so there will be no surprises

                               other than what i already know that i dont know

                               ...including the unique but impossible chance

                                of a true discovery of the type of ‘face to face’ encounter...

                                I just wonder why would "He" have favourites

                                when there are so many desperate souls seeking Him

                                and many in such pain and suffering that their cry

                                could pierce any human heart right to its center

                                yet their calls would appear unmet...

                               "Being tested" ... would be a poor answer...

                                We are all tested to some degree every moment of our lives

                                right from our first breath to the moment of our last one.

                                I am not sure that my confusion is stemming from
                                any uncertainty or judgement of Divine will or manifestation
                                but rather from the inexplicable certainty

                                of other fellow human beings and their exclusive way

                                of experiencing, or their belief that they do.

                                Enlightenment is something you go to and work hard for

                                and may take many life times ...if it works like that...

                                 I can understand Man going to the Mountain principle

                                 but the Mountain going to Man...?.....some lucky souls!

                                 I know many would have the answers to this ready

                                 and possibly tailor made to personal satisfaction

                                 but i prefer to wait patiently for a day

                                 when an all-inclusive one is offered

                                 which would truly be a surprise...

                                 In the meantime i observe the Universe

                                 and marvel at all the miracles that take place every day

                                 every moment - quietly and uneventfully uncelebrated.



                                         

This Is It!...

                                       (Dec 07)                   

                           All There Is...


                      

             Reflecting back on the way i lived a good part of my life
             i was surprised to discover how much time 

            and how much of myself i had invested

            in nurturing and feeding negative thoughts and feelings
            and reinforcing them through repetition of patterns.

             I used to believe i was a prisoner of prevailing circumstances
             which prevented me from living the happy life
             i had always believed in and aspired to.

            Neither the passing over of my parents
            nor the "ticking" of my own life's clock
            helped shaking me out of this predicament
            until a Sudden Realisation
            struck me like lightning right through to the core

            almost like a divine revelation that

            "This is it!... this is All there is, there is Nothing else!..."

             Paradoxically, the vision of Transience, Mortality

             and the Pointlessness of it  All
             instead of bringing feelings of doom
             it Opened up a Door to a New Beginning.

             Suddenly the "Chains" were crashed ... fallen off

             Setting me Free as Never Before.

             I carry bruises caused over the years
             while learning to walk without their weight
             but there is an important thing i now Know:

           

          “ I am Free to Choose and Forge My Own Path! ”


                                   

Illusionary Comfort

                                   (Nov 07 )

                            Illusionary Comfort


                  

I have identified from personal observation and soul searching

Two, among many reasons preventing people from seeking happiness

preferring to remain instead within their familiar unhappy misery.

One,
A false notion that If one is unhappy, the world / people
will not expect much from them
thus they will not have to expose themselves
to more painful experiences and unhappiness.

Two,
The Mentality and Belief of controlling thus one's own misery
can create a Comforting Illusionary Impression of a Barrier

against any possibility of additional events striking unexpectedly
'Since one is already experiencing their Fair share'
allowing a false sense of security and control.

Of course there are some rather disconcerting questions

that can unsettle this fragile sense of security,

such as:

What IS a 'Fair share'
and most importantly... ‘Who delivers it’

Does having Enough of a ‘Fair share’  

guarantee avoiding any additional?

One trapped within such illusionary comfort

has to try to overcome Fear of experiencing

and confrontation with any of Life’s circumstances

in order to avail themselves to true Happiness

and Internal Freedom

Going through Life often means constantly searching

and fighting for experiencing the light sunny clearings

through thick tangled woods...


                   

Humility

 ( Dec 07 )

Humility

At this point of my life i feel grateful being alive.

Something i had not only taken for granted all along 

but more so i considered as a divine right.

To arrive at actually seeing oneself as inconsequential

and of no much importance in the big scheme of things

ironically brings a sense of Inner Calmness, Serenity

and Utter Humility.

 

Inside the Shadows

                                                (June 08)

                                    Inside the Shadows

                Now and then
                The mind unexpectedly opens a door into a strange place
                where desolate aspects of Self are lurking in the dark

                 Shadows of some forgotten past.

                                    

                  Like a Hecate in the Dark Cave of the Mind
                  Ghost Images inside Deceptive Mirrors        

                  Spinning imaginary Spidery threads
                  of a Past that cannot not be Revisited
                  and a Future that can never be Created...


                                       

Precious Loss

                                        (Oct 09)

                         Precious Loss

            I have Lost Something Precious...

            For many years i had been marvelling at some incredible

            inbuilt quality i seem to have been naturally possessing.

            No matter how many events in my life, 
            upsetting, bad or deeply sad

            and of whatever degree of seriousness or duration

            i had been amazed time after time to find 
            that waking up every morning
            there was always a part inside me

            that remained new and unaffected 
            as if nothing had ever happened before 
            or ever...

            Something like total disconnection of all problems

            big or small past or present

           which allowed me to feel Life

           like from a new clean slate each morning

           much like the Sun rising every new dawn.

           This quality i just discovered is now absent...

           I dont know when it happened or what caused it

           -if anything.

           I feel as if i have somehow vaguely felt its loss recently

           but did not become immediately aware

           until this very stark moment of realisation.

           It has not sank in yet 
           and don't know what it means or will mean -if anything...

           Even hard to describe how it feels

           or how i feel about it just now.

             

           Perhaps something similar  to the cool eerie darkness 
           of a total Eclipse where the Sun is still there

           but not shining bright as before...

                       

Sandcastles

Sandcastles 

 

Time and events go by

So do We with them

In the mean time

We Build Sandcastles

Over and over and over...

Swimming Against the Current...

( Dec 11)

 Like A Salmon

Swimming Against the Current...

Jumping upwards, again and again

Trying frenetically and repeatedly.

But unlike the Salmon

that finally does get to its anticipated straight waters

my own frenetic, repeated struggle against all

again - and again- and again 

only leads .... on the road to Nowhere...

Yet i can see that i am still able to care

i can still give

and i can still laugh

and while this is so

i know my Soul is only Captive

but not extinguished.

So ...until then ... ... like a Salmon...

* * *

My little demon is just whispering...

Perhaps i could be called .... Salmonella!  Lol!

(Proof i can laugh!...even while tears are rolling ...)