My Father

                                                                       (Feb 08)

                                                  My Father

                               
                                   

         Unlike my mother who remained a mystery as a real person

         throughout almost my entire life and affected me in deep

         but rather unconscious ways, my father appeared more or less

         like an open book to me.

         Equally, the way i was affected by him

         seemed more straightforward, open and most of the time conscious

         and voluntary on my part  ... or so i believed until more recent years.

         He was a solid-rock steady character with many confusing

         contradictions such as slow steady patience but with

         an underlying permanent tension and nervous impatience

         -often in a mode of hurried anxious urgency, without good reason-

         or admirable calmness and measured thoughtful expression

         interrupted by sudden unexpected volcanic eruptions of temper.

         He easily and readily embraced everything and anything new

         at any level, yet at other times stubbornly remained fixed

         within his own formed ideas, impressions and convictions and

         generally was not easily moved other than "in his own good time"

         I am guessing in this regard i am much like the ‘apple’

         that fell under the Apple Tree... lol!.

         He set the law and he was the law both in our family

         or wherever he was present and would follow or associate

         with no one unless they gained his considerable

         yet rare and very fragile, respect.

         He loved and appreciated life and all living things

         from animals to birds, to plants and all

         and from him I have inherited that quality

         enhanced by my mother's quiet yet endless compassion

         towards all animals who made our home theirs at different times.

         His ready willingness, contagious enthusiasm and surprisingly

         nurturing side when it came to them despite any lack of space

         or financial limitations, enriched immensely our childhood

         and furnished both my brother and myself with many funny,

         unforgettable stories to remember, to share and laugh.

         I loved him dearly and feared him as much

         even though he never laid hands on me

         - not as long as i can remember, except once,

         when so young that i cannot remember it happening-

         but this, it seems was enough... and well engraved

         in the unconscious levels...

         He always talked to me.

         He talked to me as an adult to adult

         something i liked, appreciated and enjoyed

         and made me feel proud both of him and his way towards me

         and of myself that i was able to earn such worthy attention

         from an early age.

         I always found it easy to talk to him about anything

         either of interest or concern.

         He was open, sincere and patient and there were never

         any taboo or "do not step over the line" subjects

         especially when in need of advice or explanation.

         He encouraged me to always examine and question everything

         in any field and any subject - except for his authority.

         That was unthinkable to me back then and for many years

         and rather like a secret law or understanding between us

         which was never expressed in words from either side.

         I admired him and everything about him, from his beliefs

         to his likes and principles - and more than anyone else

         or any other chosen or imposed authority in my life,

         and for many years he remained on a pedestal in my eyes

         until my husband endured and surpassed all tests to this throne.

         I still remember when his hand often held mine, even in later years.

         It felt strong, steady and reassuring yet soft, relaxed and soothing

         with a warmth that transcended its physical temperature

         and a feel that often made me think it possessed healing qualities.

         A unique feeling i never experienced before or ever since...

                       

                               He was like the Sun in my Life...